The Day that Good Wasn't Good Enough (Just another unexpected Crossfit first....)

Have you ever been simultaneously proud and disappointed at the same time?

 

Yea, me neither.....Until last night....

This is the deal. Last night's workout was a killer before I even got there. Just reading it beforehand on the blog, I knew it was bound to be an absolute soul-crusher. (I do mean this as a compliment, by the way). I spent the whole day dreading the experience; mainly because the workout contained four 200-meter sprints IF you weren't able to get to one of the seven rowers (considering the evening classes are packed, it was by no means certain that I could get to one).

I still don't like running. It has gotten easier, and a warmup or cooldown jog is doable and sometimes enjoyable. Plus, I would rather sprint than do a long-distance run on any day of the week (by long-distance I'm talking anything over 800-meters... even if you told me to jog two-miles I would probably cry. Sad, I know). BUT, if you haven't ever tried to do more than one 200-meter sprint, just believe me when I say that 200-meter sprints are beyond tough. One 200-meter sprint is exhausting, yet invigorating; multiple sprints leave me barely able to move my legs, while trying to give myself a mental pep-talk and wondering if I am about to throw up or poop my pants. I don't know if this is a normal reaction or not, but it has been my personal experience so far.

The workout started with 10 unbroken cleans using any piece(s) of equipment in the box, or viper presses with a log. I chose the viper press. (click here to see a demo) I don't know why, but I actually find the movement fun, and when faced with an option to not do cleans, I will take it. For some reason, despite being the easiest movement for most people, I still haven't quite perfected cleans. This is on the goal list...
The next step of the workout was a 40 second row sprint IF you could get to the rower; if not, you had to sprint 200 meters. It may have been unfair/petty of me, but you best believe I set my log up right next to that set of rowers and made sure the men around me knew that I would fight dirty to end up on one. Luckily, Matt, who stood behind me, wanted to run (what!?) so that was at least one competitor out of the way.
The third part of the workout was 15 unbroken front squats; again, using any "toy" in the box. I chose to do goblet squats with one kettlebell. Knowing that I can do about 20 reps straight with 45 kilograms during back squats, that back squats are generally done with more weight than front squats, and that I would have to do 60 reps by the end of the workout, I stuck with a 16kg kettlebell.
Oh yea, and if you broke a set, you had to start over at the beginning of the set. Just for an added suck-cherry on top of the ass-kicking sundae! (again, I say this with total love and respect)
You repeated these three steps for four rounds, with sixty much-needed seconds of rest between each round.

When the timer started, I hit those viper presses like a banshee! I was the first one to hop onto a rower HALLELUJAH and hauled ass because if I didn't keep up I thought I wouldn't make it to the rower on the next round. Again, my main motivator for moving as fast as humanly possible was the prospect of having to sprint 200 meters.

Lo and behold, I finished the whole workout in 12 minutes and 45 seconds; a fairly quick time (from what I could tell). I immediately felt proud that I had finished faster than I expected (and faster than Cody's time from earlier in the day ;) ) and I was so incredibly relieved to be done working out. I couldn't gulp in air fast enough, my legs were numb, and my whole body was exhuasted; I couldn't really make out the clock across the room because my vision was blurring when I tried to look too far in the distance.

I know that I pushed myself to the limit as far as intensity goes. I couldn't have added weight to my viper press because I almost hit muscle failure on my last two reps. I rowed as hard as I possibly could, and made it to the rower every single time. Part of me wanted to do a little dance and call Cody to brag a little bit!

But when Rob came over to tell me I did a good job and ask if I felt strong.... the answer was no. I didn't want to say it, because I didn't want to sound negative or like I was begging for reinforcement, but looking around the room, I didn't feel strong at all.
So I just said, "my vision is blurry," which I guess was my exhausted and brain-dead way of saying, "well, I'm really worn out and pushed myself, if thats what you're asking."

The only reason I can figure out for being disappointed when I should feel good is that I have such an overwhelming desire to do better and be better when it comes to Crossfit.
and I'm not sure if this is a good or a bad thing....

Usually, when I finish among the first in the class or know I performed well during a workout, I feel super proud of myself. Last night, it wasn't enough to do the best that I could. I want to be better than I currently am. I may have "beaten" some women in the class time-wise, but there is no comparison, because those women were doing front squats with at least 30 kg!
I shouldn't, and usually don't, compare myself to other people, but I am so frustrated that my legs can't keep up with my desire to get stronger! I wonder if I have been cheating myself during workouts even though I don't mean to. Maybe I would feel better about it if I would have sucked it up and done the sprints instead of letting my intimidation rule me; even though I hate sprints, doing them would probably be better for me than sticking in my comfort zone.

Intellectually, I know that I can't be good at every movement. Lord knows that I am usually closer to last place than first. And the cool part of Crossfit is that it incorporates so many aspects of fitness, that even the top competitors have workouts they don't do well during.
I know that I am leaps and bounds above where I was when I first started, and this in itself should be encouragement and a source of pride. and it usually is!
I know that I should be proud of what I excel at; those things that Rob points out to me all the time, and the movements that I can tell are truly improving each week...

But I feel disappointed.

So here is my first ever somewhat negative Crossfit post.... not because of Crossfit, but because of me being a negative-nancy. Which makes me feel even worse. Am I hormonal or something? Gross.

 I'm just going to spend all day looking at Crossfit motivation stuff on the internet and then come kick some ass at the box tonight. So there.